he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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