Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
