I'm gonna have a badass scar
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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