I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
