I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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