i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
