why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize