I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
