are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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