peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
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she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
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I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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