he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
