Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
