i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
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If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
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I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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