I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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