you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
They have beer where we have blood.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
