You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
