so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
