What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
