True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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