i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
