i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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