i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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