im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
