I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
