My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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