last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
