I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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