So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
