my phone needs a breathalizer
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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