you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
