It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
