I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
