I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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