Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
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