The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
