just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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