it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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