dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I want to fling myself into the sun
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
