Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
