"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
