my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
so much tequila, so little girl.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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