Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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