I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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