I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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