She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
