I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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