grandma shit on top of the toilet
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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