fuck your aforementioned shoe
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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