Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?