Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though