She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
