I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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