she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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