i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
