apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
