man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
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Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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