I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
