Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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