I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
