I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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